May 18, 2011

Join the Mimosas Witnesses

Do you wake up on Sunday Morning with a thirst for life? Do you wake up on Sunday Morning with your head pounding from a life well lived? You should join the Mimosas Witnesses.

The Mimosas Witnesses' central and only tenet is the drinking of fruit juice-based wine cocktails in the morning. The Mimosas Witnesses is as non-exclusive religion, and you may join in addition to already being a member of another religion. We do require a tithe, which no member has ever complained about, as the ten percent or more of your income tithed we ask you to spend on booze for your consumption and to share with friends.

This religion is not a parody of any Christian religion. It is a faith of life. Many practicing Christians do not believe in transubstantiation, although Jesus’ direct quotes from the Gospel of John explicitly require it. “Whosover eateth my flesh, and drinketh my blood, hath eternal life.” -John 6:54. He defines His body as delicious bread, and His blood as fully alcoholic wine, which He then gifts to those He most loves. It may surprise you to learn that most so-called Christians do not drink wine during church service, even though Jesus was unambiguous about the ingredients of communion. He was a bit vague on the varietal of grape to be used, but there is little disagreement that champagne is the most divine kind of wine. As long as you are amongst friends and drinking wine, you are participating in a sacred gathering.

It has long been believed by Jewish peoples and many other biblical scholars that oranges were the famous fruits in the Garden of Eden which led to Adam’s downfall. Whether or not this is true, it is believed by many more that the juice from the orange is delicious. This mixing of the earthly juice with the sacred wine has created history’s most perfect cocktail.

Come, witness a mimosa! Join the Mimosas Witnesses! Mix wine with juice and share it with friends or strangers.


jordan said...

eeny meeny mimosa

antonabadzhiev said...

As far as my position of a speaker of The Intellectual Capacity Project was viciously stolen by s. o. Zayek Martensky I have to admit that this s.o. will comment that deliriously divine project, despite the very fact he only, timefully and endlessly drinks tea!
Sometimes I hate this personality, I confess.