April 08, 2009

Fake Wedding Ceremony Text

Sorry, no pictures yet from the Fake Wedding we hosted in the Berkeley hills on Sunday. The full report from the party will have to wait. However, I have a TRANSCRIPT of the wedding service, as delivered masterfully by Miss Sigal Shoham, our mimosa's witness officiant, which we cobbled together from many sources (including Mormon Prophet Gordon Hinckley, New Age rituals, & lots of cheesy stuff found on the internet.) I'll reprint the Groom's Vows, a popular if tedious excerpt, & post the complete service in a pdf viewer below:

Little wife,
It is with you that I triumph,
Over the challenges in my path.
It is your partnership that will lead me
To the fulfillment of my dreams,
You are the Eve to my Adam,
You are the ying to my yang,
You are the yoni to my lingam,
You are the Lady Macbeth to my Mister Macbeth,
You are the Lewinsky Scandal to my Kenneth Starr,
Without you, I am like half of a lemon after it has been sliced in half,
And the other half thrown away into the compost,
To return again unto the earth & fertilize the summer crops.
Without you, the tears dry,
Without you, life goes on, but I die.
I choose you, wife, today in witness
Of all of these random people,
I choose you, wife, tonight,
In the privacy of our heart & soul,
I fell in love with you, just like a fool would do,
I choose you in strength & in weakness,
I choose you in sickness & in health,
When your breasts sag & I have hair in my ears,
I will always love you.

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