April 21, 2009

Epistle to the Non-Bloggers of the UnBlogosphere

Six weeks ago, we tried to start a duel with smarmy GQ writer Adam Sachs, who declared a pitiful "War on Brunch" - which in many ways was a hate crime towards our religion, the Mimosas Witnesses. Our feud with him was aborted due to his failure to realize we exist. I suspect it's partially because his weblog, The Vacationist, he is too embarrassed to call a blog, & awkwardly refers to it as a "Non-Blog", even tho it looks & smells like a duck. This morning, we gee-dissed our once-&-future nemesis & all the unbloggers of the world:

12:50 PM Olaf: i see
of the food write loser
came to nothing
me: Hm?
Oh, that guy was a wank.
Olaf: true
me: He probably didn't even read the comment on his Non-Blog.
Olaf: he had
me: UnBlog
Olaf: to
cause the comments were blocked
12:51 PM me: It's like someone who writes a book but never liked the trendy word book so he called it an UnBook.
Olaf: until he read them
and mine got through
he just chose inaction
ha ha
yeah I dont write novels cause the novel is dead
me: It's sort of a NonBook, because I've never been a book writer.
Olaf: i write long stories
yeah,, i mean
me: Exactly.
Olaf: book writers are like, "hey, look at me i write BOOKS"
12:52 PM NOT ME
i am never like that
me: No one is.
I do like to use the word Weblog, too, as a creaky nod to the word's origin,.

7 minutes
12:59 PM Olaf: WE-Blog
like Wee-Blog
like Wee-Sing
1:00 PM me: Wee-Blog Silly Songs
Wee-Blog American Songs
Olaf: Wee-Blog traditional songs of the Applachain Region
1:01 PM i need to lay in the grass

Here's the comment Mr Olaf Mary had posted on Sach's NotABlog, as a fragmented memory of a duel interrupted:
Dearest Adam,

I invite you to a debate, rap battle, poetry contest, drawing contest, and to brunch. Each contest will pit your childish, self-pitying, foolish, and lousy idea of "why brunch blows" against the even reason of good juice, mediocre champagne and wonderful company. How old are you? Why do you insist on "non-blogging"? It seems abundantly clear that you are extremely uncomfortable with yourself and I would like to help you. Please accept my invitation. We can use your blog and this one - www.itwaslost.org - as the stage for our debate, rap battle, poetry contest and drawing contest (please feel free to suggest any other form of contest).

thank you,
Olaf Mary
UPDATE: After this post, we continued our conversation about GQ:

me: Meanwhile, all these magazines are slowly going out of business
Olaf: there are suddenly many large flies
me: And their writers are slowly morphing into bloggers.
Olaf: magazines are extremely wasteful
me: Yeah, the glossy isn't recyclable.
Olaf: yes!
1:21 PM and they are ugly
me: I love magazines, but they're on the wrong side of history.
Olaf: and full of advertisements
me: There's something especially funny about a Gentleman's Quarterly in its 21st century incarnation
A hold over from a golden era of Men's Interest magazines, which people would read in leather chairs in wood-paneled rooms.
1:22 PM Olaf: yes
me: But then, they had to change the name to an acronym because it seemed too old-fashion.
Now it's, like, what is it?
A men's magazine for people who wear cologne?
Olaf: i read Lisa Cralles dad's back issues of GQ and Playboy in his leather chair n his wood paneled room
me: Cool
Olaf: and then i drank his expensive whiskey and shot his shotgun
and bathed in his bathtub
1:23 PM I was a man
me: I plan on doing all of those things today!
Olaf: well done!
me: At least, the bath part.
Olaf: have you seen cralle around?
maybe i will also take bath
1:24 PM me: Berkeley feels like muggy florida today

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