February 16, 2009

The Sad Narrative of the Big-Ass Beard on that Rutherford B. Hayes


Happy Presidents' Day! It is too infrequently noted that we pay too too little attention to our leaders in this country. How about a little reverence for our great presidents once & awhile! The slick new whitehouse.gov website has a fancy feature with a SLIDESHOW of the 44 presidents, they are even kind enough to crop off the tops of their foreheads for our convenience. I wanted to combine all of the things we love on this blog - Lizard People, Presidents, Beards, Fashion, & History - into one spectacular historical doggerel poem in honor of bearded lizard presidents. Kowtow to us, & spend a few moments this Presidents' Day to learn about democratic leadership.

The Sad Narrative of the Big-Ass Beard on that Rutherford B. Hayes

There once was a man named Rutherford Hayes,
A metrosexual, he shaved three times a days,
Like a baby's butt, soft as a vagina,
You could ride that wave from California to Carolina,
And he knew if he rubbed it in just the right place,
He would grow up to be elected the President of the United States.

Now one day he was walking thru the amber maize,
That gay savant known as Rudy Be Hayes,
And he came across a humble wasp called Twitty van Titt,
Let me tell you about this Twitty, he was full of monkey shit,
A bumble in appearance, but inside an evil sorcerer.
All yellow & fuzzy, he was envious of Rutherford's virgin face,
The type of chihuahua pate, if you rubbed in just the right place,
It could be stamped on the currency of the United States.

That jealous Twitty van Titt, summoned all the spirits of the days,
And placed a huge curse on the face of Rutherford B. Hayes,
He could shave it twenty times with the sharpest of razors,
But his beard would grow thicker than a NASA space shuttle.
You need a 4-D map to get out of the jungle on that lengthy face,
And you'll never grow up to be elected the President of the United States.

But Rudy Be Hayes was a gay little turnip,
And had saved for the fates a few
gay little tricks,
So when he ran against Sam Tilden in 1876,
The New York Governor, with his feminine cheeks,
Won the popular vote, but was caught in the lady's lavatory huffing a whippet,
And despite the buzzing voodoo of Twitty Van Titt,
Rutherford ushered in an age of wild bearded Presidents,
Garfield & Cleveland & Arthur & Harrison,
Men of action & courage, history written bold across their pates,
Bearded & handsome, & honored forever as Presidents of the United States.

2 comments:

ß. Andrigon said...

I also posted this poem on the facebooks, & so far got only one comment, from my mother:

"James, you are too talented to waste your talent on porn. I see a great future for you as a poet if you could clean your act up."

Porn!! Ouch!

Olaf Mary said...

there is nothing wasteful about porn. why is porn a bad word? i see a great future for you as a porn star , if you would just give up on that poetry nonsense