February 28, 2009

Five-Minute Versions of Modern History Movies: "The Queen" (2006)

Interior - Day - Prime Minister Tony Blair's House in Sedgefield, Summer 1997
Blair is watching television with his family. Several other hip 90s politico-types walk to & fro in the background.
A montage about Princess Diana's life & death is on endless 24-hour news repeat.

Diana (on television)
Why can't we all just get along?

Cut to a stock-clip of a pundit criticizing the royal family for not flying the flag at half-mast or making any public statement following Diana's death.

Tony Blair
Will somebody please save these people from themselves?

Cherie Blair
Perhaps now the world will see the royal family for what they are: freeloading, emotionally-retarded nutters!

Tony Blair
I really think you're being too hard on them.

Interior - Day - The Queen's isolated 40k-acre estate in Middle Earth.
The inner HMHs are watching television. On tv, thousands of people are putting flowers outside Buckingham Palace.
The television cuts to Diana's interview with Martin Bashir

Diana (on television)
The royal family was mean to me!

Queen Elizabeth
My people will understand that this is a private family affair, regardless of those crazy millions of people being soaped up by the media. They will calm down. It is the British way, it always has been. I am their Queen.

Prince "Helen Lovejoy" Philip
Won't somebody please think of the children?

The Queen Mum
I don't like homosexuals.

Prince Charles
I'm a modern man.

Interior - Evening - Tony Blair's house
The Blair family is watching television. On TV, Queen Elizabeth is finally giving an address about Diana's death.

Tony Blair
Now see, this - this is political survival. She's a genius!

Cherie Blair
You're still in love with your mother. At the end of the day, all Labour Prime Ministers go gaga for their queen.


Brains said...

I haven't seen The Queen, but your script has the right people speaking the right sentiments. Wanna produce/write/direct an IWL movie?

ß. Andrigon said...

I wanted to make clear that, at heart, the House of Windsor & the Blair family are similar - both sit around watching television during crises. An important part of the two-hour version I omitted is all the phone calls, but it seemed too complicated to write phone calls in screenplay format, so you'll have to watch the long movie to get the full gist.

Olaf Mary said...

Brilliant S. Sand! let us film it.

ß. Andrigon said...

How can we coordinate the schedules for Helen Mirren, Michael Sheen, James Cromwell, Joaquin Phoenix, Deborah Voigt, & Carrie Fisher all for a one short five-minuter?