April 18, 2007

Doggerel about Naming Babies

I've been in further correspondence with Mr & Mrs Croak about the name of their imminent third-born, but it has not yet been declassified (in three weeks!) Meanwhile, here's a sub-par doggerel about naming babies:

My last name is Smith & I'm having my six billionth baby.
I used to name my kids John or Mary, but I'm getting more creative maybe.
Twenty percent of American Men are named Jim, John, Bob, Mike, Bill, or Dave.
But if I name my son Adolph, how will he behave?
If I name my daughter Thistle, will she hate me to the grave?
If I name my son Bob, will he put up another white picket fence?
Or if I name him Ronald, will he eat burgers until he is immense?
Or if I name him Donald, after the former Secretary of Defense,
Would he rebel against his name,
And achieve neither infamy nor blame,
But eat vegetables in a hermitage & write verses of nonsense?

The great-great-grandson of General William Tecumseh Sherman
Is a famous linguist named Tecumseh Stitch,
But all my ancestors were masons named Allan or Herman,
None were named Ulysses or Ormsby or Rufus or Godfrey or Mitch.

We used to name our girls after flowers, but now women drive S.U.V.s,
If her name doesn't fit a CEO, she might get indicted.
And some of the prettiest most useful flowers are on lemon trees or fig trees,
And if I named her Rubber, she might get blighted.

If I was a yuppie, naming her after a wine would be fine,
Like Syrah or Chardonnay or Pinot or Nebbiolo or Klingelberger,
Or if she is bubbly I could name her Gew├╝rztraminer,
But I'm not a yuppie, so I won't cross that line.

The British name their daughters Penelope & Fiona,
The Americans name their daughters Madison & Emma,
Whatever happened to Elizabeth or Bess?
But I want my daughter to be unique, to go it alone-a.
You think picking the perfect name wouldn't be this big of a dilemma,
But it is a death of a mess.

Muslims tend to think their names are godsends,
But it gets pretty confusing up at paradise's door.
A lot of Westerners name their kids after Jesus's friends,
But I myself have never been a fan of war.

If I name him Louis will he act like a king?
If I name him Buddha will he ever eat any thing?
If I name him Frodo will he have to bear a really heavy ring?
If I name him after William Chester Miner, will he cut off his dingaling?

O what o what to name the world's six billionth baby?
Maybe I'll name him Dugong or maybe I'll name her Behemotha maybe?

1 comment:

Esther Croak said...

So wise you are to mull this over now, whilst you are young and not expecting! I hope that the someday-coming Dugong realizes the talent of his father.